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Shitpost (TV series)/Shitposting is a Form of Art
"Shitposting is a Form of Art" is the first episode of Shitpost's first season, and is the first episode of the series overall. Sypnosis It's the series premiere. Puppycorn, Dendy, Fink and Unikitty begin their own educational TV series (think Petey's Funhouse) that gets cancelled during the 4th episode's commercial break. Transcript (Open with a poor-quality image of a Church on a seafoam green background. The words "THE PRESENT-DAY CHURCH OF CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS" zoom in. The words are in yellow and in the Papyrus font.) MALE VOICEOVER: Thank you for watching Daybreak TV, the most trusted name in religious programming. This concludes our broadcast day. Stay tuned for mo- (Static screen) UNIKITTY: (O.S.) What in the name of ass is this!? PUPPYCORN: (O.S.) Dang! Another technical difficulty! (UNIKITTY growls loudly, and we hear PUPPYCORN banging his head off a book out of frustration.) MASTER FROWN: (O.S.) Can we just do this tomorrow? UNIKITTY: (O.S.) No way, this is very important! (We hear PUPPYCORN pressing several buttons.) (Another static screen. (CUT TO: UNIKITTY fiddling with a video camera while PUPPYCORN is sitting in the back. UNIKITTY backs up and sits next to PUPPYCORN.) UNIKITTY: (whispering) Remember, this is the signal to come out. (she makes a tapping noise on the closet near her) UNIKITTY: Anyway, hello, and welcome to the series premiere of Shitpost! I'm Unikitty, and this right here is Puppy- (We see the camera fall down and UNIKITTY growls loudly.) (CUT TO: UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN sitting side-by-side.) UNIKITTY: Hello, and welcome to the series premier- (The camera runs out of battery.) (UNIKITTY screams.) UNIKITTY: (yelling) WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING!? (CUT TO: another static screen.) (CUT TO: UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN sitting side-by-side, with the former looking annoyed.) UNIKITTY: (annoyed) (sighs) Hello, and welcome to the se- (FINK pulls out the plug of the camera.) PUPPYCORN: Fink! Get back in the closet! (Cut to UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN sitting side-by-side again.) UNIKITTY: (under her breath) Now, this better work. (normal voice) Hello, and welcome to the series premiere of Shitpost! I'm Unikitty, and this right here is Puppycorn! PUPPYCORN: I'll try to keep my remarks brief. After all, it's said that most speakers need no introduction. What they need is a conclusion. UNIKITTY: Yeah, uh huh. PUPPYCORN: Every speaker has his moment. The problem is, most of them stretch it into an hour! (giggling) UNIKITTY: (eyes PUPPYCORN) Please stop. (looks back at the camera) Its not just us running the show here, oh no! We have several other people working alongside us! (CUT TO: a different camera angle, facing the closet. PUPPYCORN is behind the camera and UNIKITTY is beside the closet door.) UNIKITTY: We're ready for you guys now. (taps on the side of the door) (The rest of the characters come bursting out of the doors at surprisingly rapid speed.) (The frame freezes on them jumping out, and each characters' name is put beside them in bold, red, all-caps text with a red shadow behind them.) (The frame unfreezes. The characters are jumping on one another trying to get out. Screams, insults and cries of pain are also heard.) KO: Out of my way! TORD: Hey! Watch it! (PUPPYCORN positions the camera towards UNIKITTY, who runs over and covers the lens with her hand.) (Yet another static screen. It then cuts to MASTER FROWN sitting in a director's chair, with his arms crossed and one leg over the other (but he doesn't have legs so how does that even work?). To the bottom left corner, there is red text with a black shadow behind it that says his name, and the sentence "DUMBASS DOOMLORD" under it, albeit slightly smaller.) MASTER FROWN: Just to set the record straight, I never agreed to doing this. Don't get the wrong idea. I don't even know why I hang out with these people. (Cut to DARRELL sitting in the director's chair, aggressively chugging a bottle of Mountain Dew. To the bottom left corner, there is red text with a black shadow behind it that says his name, and the sentence "ROBOT STOOGE WHO WEARS COWBOY BOOTS TO BED" under it, albeit slightly smaller.) DARRELL: (aggressively chugging the Mountain Dew) (Cut to FINK sitting in the director's chair. To the bottom left corner, there is red text with a black shadow behind it that says her name, and the sentence "LESBIAN LAB RAT" under it, albeit slightly smaller.) FINK: Unikitty drugged me with sleeping pills and the next thing I knew I was huddled in a tiny closet with a bunch of strangers. I must sa- (While FINK is doing her interview, we can see UNIKITTY getting into the scene. FINK pushes her away, knocking over not only her, but also the chair and the camera. Upon realizing this, FINK glances at the camera once and scampers away.) UNIKITTY: Fuck! It fell down again! PUPPYCORN: I can't deal with this anymore. Just play the recording of that song about Kentucky! (Cut to yet another static screen.) (Cut to a crudely-drawn image of UNIKITTY holding a microphone with the words "PRINCESS UNIKITTY'S GREATEST HITS" in the top left corner in Comic Sans.) UNIKITTY: (O.S., singing) Kentucky is a state, Kentucky is a state. All the people there are dicks, Kentucky is a state. (CUT TO: another static screen.) (CUT TO: the theme song.) SHITPOST Created by: PixelMiette Developed by: PixelMiette ---- (CUT TO: UNIKITTY walking around the bunker with a camera. She is recording the daily antics of everyone living with her. In order, we see ANSI laughing while doing the "ok" hand gesture, DR. FOX and HAWKODILE boxing with oven mitts, and DARRELL being whacked in the head with a baking pan by MASTER FROWN.) (We see UNIKITTY walking up stairs.) UNIKITTY: Now this is gonna be good! (UNIKITTY opens the door to FINK'S room.) (FINK cocks her head backwards.) FINK: (annoyed) You didn't knock! UNIKITTY: Sorry! But do you have a moment to talk about God? FINK: No. UNIKITTY: Do you want Girlscout cookies? FINK: No. UNIKITTY: Do you have a moment to talk about how all my jokes are actually cries for help? FINK: Yes. (FINK opens the door a bit wider to let UNIKITTY in.) UNIKITTY: So, I have been thinking about something for a while and I wanna know if you're in. (FINK immediately perks up.) FINK: Let's hear it. UNIKITTY: I was thinking that you and Puppycorn and I could start our own educational TV series! FINK: Interesting. PUPPYCORN: Hi, guys! UNIKITTY: Hey, bro! Do you wanna help Fink and I with our TV show? PUPPYCORN: Do I?! Of course I do! UNIKITTY: Great! (looks at the camera) You see this? This is progress. (The fourth wall is heard shattering.) FINK: (O.S.) Damnit! Don't tell me we shattered it! It was just repaired a week ago! (ANSI walks into the room, dressed like his father.) ANSI: Hey guys, look at me! I'm my dad, I don't have a wife. FINK: Oh hey, Ansi. ANSI: Hello, Fink. Your weird Kappa girlfriend is here. DENDY: Greetings, Fink. (Children cheering can be heard after Dendy says that.) FINK, UNIKITTY and PUPPYCORN: (in unison) Dendy! DENDY: (Adjusting her googles) I see that you guys are developing an educational TV program. Do you require my assistance? UNIKITTY: We already have enough people working o- FINK: Let my girlfriend join or I'll piss on everything you love. UNIKITTY: Okay, your weird girlfriend's in. DENDY: Thank you for accepting me. PUPPYCORN: No problem, Dendy! Now, everyone sit down and hear me out. (UNIKITTY, FINK and DENDY sit down on lawn chairs facing PUPPYCORN, who is standing on a stage.) PUPPYCORN: So, I was thinking we'd have Unikitty host it, and there'd be an audience of kids that get to interact with her. Kinda like Blue's Clues, minus the clues. There MIGHT be an episode like Blue's Clues, but who knows? (EVERYONE puts their thumbs up.) PUPPYCORN: Everyone's on board! UNIKITTY: I had the same idea! And now, its time for a commercial break! (Static screen) (Cut to: a white background with "FINK'S FUN FACT OF THE DAY" written in light blue with what looks like a crayon, with a poorly-drawn image of Fink in the bottom right corner. The text then decreases in size and goes to the top left corner of the screen as the words "Don't litter! Always be sure to clean up after yourself, and never leave empty food containers, dead bodies, or other kinds of garbage where they would bother other people." flash onto the screen. The music from the opening screen for the first Sonic the Hedgehog game is heard in the background. This lasts for about 5 seconds.) (Commercial break) (Cut to: MASTER FROWN walking into the kitchen, where HAWKODILE, RICHARD, DR. FOX, HERB COOKIE and WHIPPED CREAM COOKIE are waiting for dinner - takeout pizza.) MASTER FROWN: What's up, sluts? (An airhorn sound effect blares in the background after he says that.) DR. FOX: Can you not call us sluts? We're waiting for dinner. MASTER FROWN: Isn't Unikitty handling dinner? RICHARD: She's supposed to, anyway. HAWKODILE: We haven't seen her since... DR. FOX: Exactly 4 PM. RICHARD: This is so sad. Cortana, play Despacito. (Off-screen, we hear a happy-go-lucky tune coming from the TV. We then see ANSI peeking out from the living room doorway.) ANSI: You might wanna see this. (Everyone walks out of the kitchen and sits down on the couch to see what's on the TV. We see that every other character is in the living room as well.) (Cut to: What's on the TV, which is a purple-and-blue-patched curtain with overly energetic music playing, as tacky colors and stage lights flash on and off the screen. Flashes of color followed by happy-go-lucky tunes followed by even more color, the entire display looks like it has been put together by somebody who isn’t experienced with their craft. When the scene finally settles, the spotlight falls on the center of the curtain.) UNIKITTY: (O.S., on TV) And now, it's time for UNIKITTY & FRIENDS! (UNIKITTY bursts through the curtains, leaving a hole in the center. As children begin to cheer and clap in the background, UNIKITTY walks up to a piano and begins singing a tune as she plays.) UNIKITTY: (singing, on TV) We're gonna have lots of fun and have lots of laughs, and maybe learn new stuff, but not definitely! It's the Unikitty & Friends shoooow! (Cut back to: Everyone silently staring at the TV with an either disgusted or annoyed look on their face. This goes on for 3 seconds.) MASTER FROWN: Is this supposed to be a joke? TORD: Knowing Unikitty, it obviously isn't. I'm gonna go to my room and do something other than watch hentai. (TORD walks out of the scene.) RICHARD: This is so sad, can we get iCarly in Brazil? ANSI: Sure. RICHARD: Epic and nice. (Swipe transition to: the set of UNIKITTY & FRIENDS. UNIKITTY is sitting on a stool with a guitar facing a group of children between the ages of 4-11. A microphone on a stand is seen in front of her.) UNIKITTY: Okay, everyone! It's time for the musical section of Unikitty & Friends! (UNIKITTY begins to strum her guitar. PUPPYCORN comes out with a balafon, FINK comes out with a triangle, and DENDY comes out with a wood block.) UNIKITTY: (singing) What makes you so special? The fact that you are special. But if everyone was special, that kind of waters it down. So, some of you are special, I can tell ya who is special, like you and you are special, (in normal voice, stops strumming guitar. Everyone else stops playing their instruments) and you are, and you're not. (Cut back to: Everyone sans UNIKITTY, PUPPYCORN, FINK and DENDY watching the TV.) MASTER FROWN: This is terrible. RICHARD: I beg to differ. TV is most definitely Princess' strong point. BROCK: I'd say. (Cut back to: The set of UNIKITTY & FRIENDS.) UNIKITTY: (sorrowful) Well, I'm sorry, but this is the end of today's episode! See you tomorrow! (The camera zooms out as UNIKITTY waves at the camera. The curtains from before close on her, and the end credits for UNIKITTY & FRIENDS roll.) (Cut to: UNIKITTY bursting open the door, with PUPPYCORN, FINK and DENDY behind her.) UNIKITTY: Hey everybody! How are you doing? BROCK: I haven't felt an emotion in years! UNIKITTY: Awesome! ANSI: I don't even have arms. (ANSI stands up, showing his body, minus his arms. His arms then pop out of his jacket sleeves.) ANSI: Just kidding! Bet you feel a little silly now, do you? UNIKITTY: (laughing hysterically)  God Ansi, you’re so funny! MASTER FROWN: (pained) Somebody please end it all. (The camera cuts to UNIKITTY, whose in pure shock over what MASTER FROWN has said.) MASTER FROWN: (pained) Please let me die already. (Cut back to UNIKITTY’s completely shocked face, posed similarly to Kevin McCallister’s face in all the promo art for Home Alone. Then, there's 5 seconds of silence as everyone stares at MASTER FROWN.) HAWKODILE: Anyone wanna play Fortnite? (ANSI walks back into the room with a Pickle Rick t-shirt on.) ANSI: (slurring his speech) I'm Pickle Rick motherfuckers ahrghgh I'm Pickle RIIIICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK SARALINE: Ansi, stop. (ANSI begins screaming in Japanese without subtitles for 10 seconds.) MASTER FROWN: Well, I guess this is why we call this show "Shitpost". (the fourth wall shatters) UNIKITTY: I don't know what the shit is happening here, but I'm going to bed. (Cut to: a black background with the words "the next day..." in white and in the Comic Sans font. This stays on screen for 5 seconds.) (Cut to: the opening for UNIKITTY & FRIENDS.) UNIKITTY: Welcome back to Unikitty & Friends! Today, we're gonna be reading a story! It's called, "Why I Can't Play Fortnite or I'll Be Arrested," a real classic written by moi. (UNIKITTY shows off the cover of the book to the audience, smiling. She turns it towards her and opens it up as the camera goes in-and-out of poor quality.) UNIKITTY: (reading) Once upon a time, me, Unikitty, wanted to play Fortnite with my brother Puppycorn. When I asked him, he said no. Then I cried myself to sleep and now we don't even follow eachother on Twitter. The end. (Silence for 2 seconds) UNIKITTY: Okay, now who wants to watch me kill God? KID #1: That was the worst thing I have ever heard. KID #2: This is so sad. KID #3: Is this loss? KID #1: No it isn't! Shut up! UNIKITTY: HEY! STOP OVER THERE! (FINK walks out from behind the curtains.) FINK: Unikitty, we have a situation backstage. UNIKITTY: Aw shit, what happened? (Cut to: FINK leading UNIKITTY to the scene backstage. The beginning few notes of “Take on Me” begin to play as UNIKITTY is processing what she just saw. After a few seconds, it pans on the scene, which shows people from the TV network UNIKITTY & FRIENDS airs on.) TV NETWORK GUY: Unikitty, I am afraid to inform you Unikitty & Friends is cancelled. UNIKITTY: (shocked) But why?! TV NETWORK GUY: Parents around the world called us, enraged over the fact you said the "S-word" in front of billions of children on international television. UNIKITTY: Is this a joke? FINK: No, it isn't. UNIKITTY: Well, shit! (Fade transition to: Unikitty and the gang in the living room.) UNIKITTY: Well, I guess I don't fit the cut for educational TV... PUPPYCORN: And that's okay! UNIKITTY: Let's just forget about it and laugh at Family Guy. Whaddya say to that? MASTER FROWN: Fuck yeah! FINK: Family Guy is my favorite show! PUPPYCORN: It's my second favorite show! (Zoom out on a shot of the gang laughing as UNIKITTY giggles and points the remote at the camera, switching it off.) Category:Shitpost (TV series)